Dear writers,

I've been thinking lately about the doubts that start rattling around in my head whenever I sit down to write. My writing group meets twice a week for two hours at a time, and I declared to them recently that I hate writing. "It feels bad, I don't know how to do it, and I don't have anything worthwhile to say. I'm a total fraud and imposter, and where do I get off telling people what to do with their books? I should just pack up and go home, or stay in my lane and stick to cheerleading and hosting. I'm officially freeing myself of the obligation to write."

Then I went home and journaled about it for a week.

Where does this weird contradiction come from? I love writers. I love reading. I have solid faith in the healing power of writing and the written word. So why does writing make me feel indulgent and irresponsible, vulnerable and scared? Where does this self-doubt come from? And if I acknowledge it out loud, will it help people or hurt them?

I started tracking these questions back through the family lore and remembered something my mom said when I started my first diary: "Never put in writing what you wouldn't want on the front page of the newspaper." The message there? Be careful: What you write is not your own.

I remembered something my grandpa often said: "You can't be a little bit pregnant or a little bit of a liar." I internalized this as Everything you do will go down on your permanent record.

I remembered that my grammie told us girls to "Keep your nose clean and your legs together," and that her mother had told her "A lady will only chew gum under the bed with the lights out and the door locked." My takeaway: Good girls can't have fun.

The messages that came down to me were that writing, taking risks, telling stories, and seeking pleasure are dangerous, shameful, selfish, and unnecessary.

Fortunately, I'm contrary and did all that stuff anyway. Turns out artists have more interesting advice, and I think it might be my sacred duty to ignore self-doubt and work for the opposition. Writing is magic, and magic is fickle and fleeting. As a sucker in the temple of this muse, I'll light the candles and sweep the floors so you all can do your wizardry. My doubts may be traditions, but that doesn't mean they're true. It's easy enough to burn what you don't want to share, it's brave to abandon fear and imagine the untold, and it's healthy to do it for fun. In fact, you'd better be doing it for fun. If you're writing under duress, blink twice and we'll send in a team.

Two of our family's aphorisms seem worth keeping, so I'll leave them here for you in closing.

"Do as I say, not as I do" -- because self-doubt is for suckers like me, and

"Do something, even if it's wrong" -- specifically, just keep writing.

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Yours as ever,

Meghan

In other news

Rate changes

I revisited my rates and service descriptions while updating my website this spring and made some changes. In light of [insert your own description of the horrors] and in gratitude for my reinstated health and spirits post-cancer/transplant, I've lowered some of our rates. Check them out and let me know if you'd like to collaborate.

Here's an overview of our services: https://mytwocentsediting.com/editing-services/​

Bonus points if you find typos/errors & tell me about them. Even editors need editors.

Writers group

The Delmar Loop Writers Group is six months into full swing. I started it on New Year's Day as a 5-week workshop, then changed course when the new regime was installed on January 20. Six to twelve of us meet twice a week at Meshuggah Cafe in University City when the coffee shop is closed and we have the place to ourselves. After a roundtable at the end of February, we realized that most of us want community as much as we want to write together, so we kept meeting. We started staying late to talk politics and share snacks on Tuesday nights, then added a Thursday night session for silent writing. We're considering adding a monthly critique night. This little creative community has become a spot of light for a steady group of regulars, including this one here. If you're in St. Louis and so inclined, drop in sometime and join us.

Here's our online hub: https://www.meetup.com/delmar-loop-writers-group/​

Shrubbery

My backyard is half weeds and half shade-loving perennials, both of which thrive on neglect. My front yard is mostly weeds that sort of look like grass, as well as two hydrangeas that keep having babies, two azaleas that seem cool with me moving them whenever I feel like it, and three baby rosebushes that I am inordinately excited about. Here are the hydrangeas.

Until next time. Happy Juneteenth!​

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